one of those days

I feel like I’m sinking…drowning…being enveloped by a huge wave that has no end. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so very thankful for my husband and all of my children, ALL of them.

Tonight is one of those nights…Roundabout Geek came home early from the conference at the University just north of here. His coming home early was a treat. He doesn’t often ge home in time to meet the kids off the bus and today he was there. Okay, so here comes the but… BUT he needed to get some work done. He’s been at this conference for two days, so his proposal work had taken a back seat and now required his attention. I understand that…he’s been working his tail off at work…getting up early…going to bed late, often after a few hours of working at home.

The stress of all of this is taking a toll on him. As if the stress of suddenly adding a third child to the family on the heels of probably two of the most stressful weeks of our married lives was not enough, he also has the huge demands of work taking a toll on him. And it seems that just when he’s figuring everything out at work, he’s taken for another loop…some good, some bad…all time consuming.

Back to the stress…it has to come out. Somewhere. Sometime. That sometime was tonight. That somewhere was here.

Roundabout Geek and I don’t have a perfect marriage. We don’t pretend that we do. We are human, week, easily stressed, and unfortunately, easily angered. Most days we have a strong, stable relationship. We share our hurts and our joys. Because we work in the same field, we are able to bounce ideas off of one another. We share our struggles and victories. We share our lives with one another.

Roundabout Geek is my best friend.

And tonight, my best friend, my husband, and I got in an argument. Not over anything in particular. It was one of those “straw that breaks the camel’s back” arguments.

I could tell he was stressed. Little things bothered him. It was obvious my lame excuse of housekeeping wasn’t cutting it for him today. Add on the normal noises of three kids playing and the messes those three kids make and dinner being late…well, it wasn’t pretty.

We both feel like we’re sinking…barely keeping our heads above water. He with work and me with the kids and the house. We yelled. Princess N cried. RG took a breather. I fed the kids and got them ready to go to bed. Joshua cried. Princess N cried. Quarterback tried to stay out of it, helping with Joshua’s bath. RG came back…we attempted to discuss our emotional outbursts. Princess N cried. Joshua cried. We put Joshua and QB to bed. I cuddled with Princess N. We put her to bed. I made tea and got my jammies on. He’s in the living room working. I’m in the bedroom blogging and watching tv.

We are exhausted. We both feel like we’re burning our proverbial candles at both ends. We need to support each other…love each other…carry one another’s burdens. Our burdens are so heavy that attempting to carry one another’s causes us to crumble. And that’s what happened tonight. We crumbled. Into a big, heaping, yelling mess.

I know that my time is not spent well all the time…choosing blogging over cleaning, sleeping over working, cleaning over playing. I admit, I haven’t been doing my best at being a Godly wife or Godly mom. I’ve been letting my exhaustion take over me…choosing to allow it to do just that instead of trying to do something about it. I have allowed myself to sink farther and farther into this hole of self-pity, playing the “woe-is-me-game”.

You know maybe, just maybe, if I got up before everyone else, like I used to do not all that long ago, I might actually start to feel better – less rushed, less stressed, more able to go with the flow because I will do the one thing I haven’t been doing…spending time with God. After all, He is the only one who can infiltrate my heart and speak truth instead of the lies I have started to believe. He is the Living Water, the Prince of Peace. He is my Strength when I am weak, my Hope, my Shelter.

No, I realize that if I actually do sacrifice my few “alone” moments in the morning to spending time with my savior instead of in my bed, all of what I am feeling won’t magically disappear. I won’t suddenly be the wife Roundabout Geek needs, and the mom that Princess N, Quarterback, and Joshua need. No, I won’t suddenly turn into the best housekeeper this side of the Mississippi or the most time efficient stay-at-home-working-mom. No, my stress level won’t be obliterated into a zillion pieces. No, parenting a two year old whose life was abruptly changed two months ago won’t suddenly get easier.

What will happen is that I will put my trust back where it belongs – not in myself, my circumstances, or even my husband. I will put my trust back in God. And rather than feel like I am going through all of this alone, I will feel Him next to me. I will feel his calming peace upon my heart when I feel like I can’t take one second more of Joshua’s crying. I will feel his hand lifting me up when I feel like I can’t do one more load of laundry. I will hear his quiet, loving voice, speaking truth through the lies of discontent, disillusionment, and discouragement. I will feel his arms as they wrap around my, holding me, loving me.

He has already provided me with such a loving community, Godly people who have not only offered but encouraged my asking them for help…whenever I need it. I need to take them up on that more often. Joshua is already going to Mother’s Day Out at a local church one afternoon a week…an opportunity that will allow me some time away from Joshua if only for a few hours. It’s not that I don’t love Joshua…in fact that is why I am doing it…because I love him. Those few hours to myself allow me to get somewhat re-energized to have a more positive outlook to parenting.

Life is a perpetual classroom. Each day brings new lessons, new challenges, new tests. Sometimes I fail. Sometimes I succeed. Sometimes I do my best and still fail. Sometimes I just barely pass. Sometimes I just get by.

Today I learned that something must change if I – we....my family – if we are going to make it out of this wave in one piece, then something must change. Since I can’t change the circumstances of our lives right now, and I can’t change Roundabout Geek’s work stresses, I will change the ONE thing I can change…ME. With God’s gentle hand molding my heart, I will change my attitude, my approach to the challenges each day places before me. With God’s gentle prodding and discipline, I will allow Him to pick away at the hard shell that has taken residence over my heart. I will allow Him to remove my pride and selfishness bit by bit so that rather than thinking about how tired I am, I can concentrate on how I can be a helpmate to Roundabout Geek or the attentive mother my kids deserve.

This will mean getting up with him, praying with him, spending time with God before the kids are up. This will mean watching what I do with my time during the day. Sorry Facebook, Yahoo Mail, and all those other things that steal away my time, I need my time to do the things that God has asked me to do…be a Godly wife and mother. That will mean more play time with Joshua, more reading time, more quality time. It will mean teaching Joshua that he gets some of my time and then I have to clean. It will mean teaching Joshua how to clean up after himself so I’m not constantly picking up toys only to have them thrown out again. It means putting him down for a nap and taking one myself. It means making a meal plan and following through with it. It means asking for help when I need it and saying “No” to something even though it might be a good thing.

In short, I am reprioritizing my life…starting with the basics. Things won’t change overnight, overweek, or even overmonth. (Okay, they aren’t real words, but it fits.) BUT if I put my trust in God and follow Him instead of my own selfish desires, things will change. And that is all I am looking for right now…a change, a heart change to be specific.

Always trusting. Always hoping. Always praying. Always.