....really I did. I have tried and tried to let go of the whole school thing for Quarterback. I talked to the principal today for quite a while. She was great! She listened to my concerns and explained how the kids were chosen to go to the new class. I talked to the teacher, whom Quarterback had back in first grade. When I left this morning, I was okay.
Then I went back to help his teacher out in the afternoon. Knowing she would be overwhelmed today and having a few free minutes on my hands with Joshua sleeping at the sitter's, I asked if there was any photocopying I could do for her. I did quite a bit and then headed back to the classroom to see how it was going and if there was anything else I could do. Not wanting to interrupt, I waited. And watched. And listened.
I tried to believe that Quarterback is "at grade level" for reading. I tried. Honest I did. But when I heard him reading compared to some of the other kids.... And when I learned that ALL of the children who need independent help or additional assistance (there's an acronym, but I can't think of it) were in his class... And to learn that for every subject there are several kids who get pulled out for extra help... The unsettling feeling came back and try as I might it is not going away.
I talked to Roundabout Geek about it. I pulled out 3 of the last 4 report cards that Quarterback brought home. And try as I might, I cannot wrap my head around the fact that he tested at reading level last week. Especially not when all of the report cards I found state plain as day "Above reading level" on the Reading/Language Arts line. And especially not when the assessment record that was with his final report card of last year had three scores on it...one from Spring 2009, one from Winter 2009, and one from Spring 2010. The scores were 40, 50, and 60, respectively. These scores equate to reading levels at early Grade 4, Grade 5, and Grade 6, respectively.
To put this in persepective, in spring of his first grade year, the assessment test showed him to be at a Grade 4 reading level. In the fall of his second grade year, he was at a Grade 5 level. In the spring of his second grade year he was in a sixth grade reading level.
So, how does a child go from a 6th grade reading level to "at reading level" in a matter of months?
I don't want to be that mom...honestly I don't. I don't want to put labels on my kids. I don't want them walking around with this stigma that they are ___________ (fill in the blank). I do, however, want my kids to be challenged beyond what their abilities are. After all, isn't that how we grow, by being challenged.
I talked to his teacher...the reading levels in his class range from 1st grade to 4th grade. If last year he assessed at grade 6, how will this challenge him beyond what his abilities are?
He is doing 4th grade math in the independent math program. Each day, they do Daily Math Review. For this class, she is using a modified version of the DMR, with quite a bit of help to solve the problems. His teacher said that most of them weren't able to do the modified version. Well, Quarterback didn't seem to have any problems doing the "regular" version the past two weeks.
So I can't shake this feeling that he is being left behind...not because what he is learning is too hard and he doesn't understand, but because he needs more from his teacher, class, school, than what he is getting.
I already spent time Monday morning talking to his principal. I hate to go back and be THAT mom. I hate it. But, as much as I have tried, I can't shake the feeling that if I don't say something, again, I will be doing my son a huge injustice.
Roundabout Geek agrees I need to say something about his past reading scores. I am going to ask that for this week, he be given the "regular" DMR's...I'll even go copy them for her! If he can't do them by himself, then fine, put him back on the modified versions. But, if he can and he can get them done consistently, then he needs to stay on the regular ones.
To make a big deal about it though....that we will give some more time.
Last week, he came home happy and excited. I couldn't help but notice he seemed a little down when he came home today. Maybe I'm just reading into things.
But what if I'm not? What if my maternal instincts are in high gear and that's why I'm so unsettled? What if I can't let it go because I'm not supposed to? What if I'm right?
I want to cry. I keep praying for peace. I keep trying to let it go. But I can't. After all, this is my son we're talking about here.
Wouldn't you fight for your son?
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
perspective
Amazing how God uses life's little problems to give me perspective...like how things I think are HUGE really aren't. This is a post that's been mulling around in my head since Friday. Still not sure that every thought is coherent, but it has to come out, so...
On Thursday I learned that due to the growth of the third grade class, a third, third grade teacher would be added, making the class sizes 22 to 24 kids rather than 34 right now. That's good, right? Well it all depends on your perspective.
For the teachers and students it is great. Less students in the classroom means more opportunities to work one on one with the children. A bonus all around. So, what's the problem? Well, I liked Quarterback's teacher. I knew she would challenge him beyond what he thought he was capable of, something we are struggling with getting him to understand. I knew he wouldn't be bored. More importantly, I knew he was excited to be in her class. After all, he has never been so excited about a teacher that he called to tell me all about her...and that was the ONLY reason he called.
So while the principal, teachers, and some parents are rejoicing that there will be a new teacher, I am silently praying that Quarterback will stay in that class because I want him to have that teacher. Because somewhere down deep I had convinced myself that he deserves to be in that class with that teacher because that's where all the "high ability" kids are. Okay, minor detail...he hasn't actually been labeled high ability, but I think he is, so to me that's all that mattered. I told Roundabout Geek to pray that he stays in her class. Fortunately God did not make him and me and the same. My very wise husband texted me back with, "Shouldn't we be praying that he is in the right class for him?" (Why is it whenever you want your husband to agree with you he doesn't, and what's worse you know he's right???)
So Friday rolls around...having a pretty good day with Joshua. He took an unusually long nap, which afforded me some time to rest and do something I rarely do...watch a movie by myself. So, I'm feeling pretty good. The kids get home and Princess N walks in and says, "Quarterback's been moved to Mrs. H's class." Immediately I was stunned. Forget that my kids found out before me and that no e-mail was received from the school alerting me of this change, but WHAT??? Wait, I wanted him to stay in Mrs. D's class. He's supposed to be in Mrs. D's class...he's not supposed to move!
So my first response was, "Mrs. H., as in his first grade teacher Mrs. H.?" Quarterback, "Yes. She's coming back and I'm in her class." He seems to be okay and at this point, so am I. I like her, she was great in first grade and I have no doubt she will be equally great this year. Okay, I think I can handle this.
"So who else is in your class." After a few I can't remembers, he starts to list out the few he remembers. Then I grab his class list and go through it. Hmmm...only 9 total kids moving out of his existing class with 3 going to the other 3rd grade class and 6 going to the new class (at least according to him). Okay, that doesn't make a lot of sense, but I'll go with it. We go through last year's year book and pick out a few more that will be in his class. Now I'm starting to get a little confused, disappointed, and honestly, angry. As he goes through the list, I am noticing one very unsettling trend.
Now to preface this it must be understood that over the last three years I have spent a considerable amount of time in the school, helping in the classroom as well as with assessments. So as he continues to list some of the kids I begin to get concerned and angry. Concerned that Quarterback has been placed in a class where many of the kids are at "lower" levels than where he is. Angry that he would be lumped in that group. I even went so far as to call my friend and declare that my son had been shafted. I am really trying to find the bright side at this point, but there is one blaring thought that will not go away...not one single HA kid was moved out of the class he was in and into the new class. And this fact was very disturbing.
Now remember that he hasn't actually been identified as an HA kid. That's just in my mind...what I think he is or deserves. And what is going on with the kids is also a perception thing and not necessarily the truth, for there was no explanation given or reasoning as to who or why. Although I intend to find out why, it is not important at this point in time...and it is certainly not worth losing sleep over, which I have done each of the last two nights.
I am fairly dumbfounded, hurt, frustrated, angry, confused, concerned, and down right a mess by the time our friends start coming over for small group. My wonderful husband again reminded me that Quarterback, when it is all said and done, isn't really ours, but God's. So, yes, that is true...BUT...
I don't want to hear that at this point, so I in my usual, very mature, way - especially with people coming over - stomp out of my kitchen, into my room, and finally into the bathroom, where I just cry. Roundabout Geek comes in after a while and tries to reason with me. (I am fairly unreasonable at this point. After all, we're talking about my son here.) When suddenly we hear, "Guys Joshua hit his head...and he's bleeding."
Ooookay. Out into the living room we go where there appears to be some chaos ensuing, which in and of itself isn't startling since chaos is the nice way of putting our house on Friday nights. This chaos is slightly different...Joshua is in the kitchen screaming with a towel over his head and a stream of blood flowing down his face. I rush to him while my friend tells me it's gushing. Not believing her I pulled the towel away from his head to find that he did have a nice sized cut and it was in fact gushing. By this time, my husband has walked in and I quickly handed Joshua to him and said, ER, NOW!! In my panic I cursed because of the ten pairs of flip flops I have, it seemed that all 10 pairs had conveniently disappeared at the exact same time. And the insurance card is in the car, the locked car. While I am panicing, my husband is calmly holding Joshua on our back deck, patiently waiting for the tornado of his wife to join him so we could walk to the ER. (It is only a two minute walk from our back door.)
Three stitches and a funny conversation with the discharge nurse later, we are headed home to join our small group.
And in this time, God put some things into perspective for me. He started by asking me the question, "Who do you think you are?" He meant no disrespect, but it was the question that needed to be asked.
Who am I to say that Quarterback was in the right class before? Who am I to say that he hasn't been placed in the right class now? Who am I to say that the class isn't "smart enough" for him? Who am I to say that the wrong decision was made? I have prayed every year that God would put my kids in the right class that would enable them to grow not only as students, but more importantly as people and individuals. He has never let me down. Who am I to think I now know more than God when it comes to the classes my kids are in? Really, who am I?
The fact of the matter is that I was feeling so self-righteous that my son deserves to be in this certain class. It goes back to my pride. I can mask it by saying things like: I'm scared he won't be challenged and if he isn't challenged he'll get bored and act out; or I know that some of these kids are not as advanced as Christian is. But really, those are my issues, not Christians. Now, does it mean that I don't watch for new problems? Absolutely not. But what it does mean is that I stop borrowing trouble from tomorrow.
There is a reason he is in this new class. God knows why and I now have to step back and say, okay...you know what he needs. See it's not about what I want or what I think he needs. On the contrary, it is about what God knows he needs. Two very different things. And unfortunately, I won't be able to see what God knows right now. All I can do is remain active in the classroom, work diligently with Quarterback to ensure that he isn't falling behind or not being challenged enough, and pray that God would use Quarterback to bring Him glory in the classroom.
All I can do is remember that it is all about perspective, and I need to stop looking at things through my eyes. Rather, I need to look at it through God's eyes.
It's all about...perspective.
On Thursday I learned that due to the growth of the third grade class, a third, third grade teacher would be added, making the class sizes 22 to 24 kids rather than 34 right now. That's good, right? Well it all depends on your perspective.
For the teachers and students it is great. Less students in the classroom means more opportunities to work one on one with the children. A bonus all around. So, what's the problem? Well, I liked Quarterback's teacher. I knew she would challenge him beyond what he thought he was capable of, something we are struggling with getting him to understand. I knew he wouldn't be bored. More importantly, I knew he was excited to be in her class. After all, he has never been so excited about a teacher that he called to tell me all about her...and that was the ONLY reason he called.
So while the principal, teachers, and some parents are rejoicing that there will be a new teacher, I am silently praying that Quarterback will stay in that class because I want him to have that teacher. Because somewhere down deep I had convinced myself that he deserves to be in that class with that teacher because that's where all the "high ability" kids are. Okay, minor detail...he hasn't actually been labeled high ability, but I think he is, so to me that's all that mattered. I told Roundabout Geek to pray that he stays in her class. Fortunately God did not make him and me and the same. My very wise husband texted me back with, "Shouldn't we be praying that he is in the right class for him?" (Why is it whenever you want your husband to agree with you he doesn't, and what's worse you know he's right???)
So Friday rolls around...having a pretty good day with Joshua. He took an unusually long nap, which afforded me some time to rest and do something I rarely do...watch a movie by myself. So, I'm feeling pretty good. The kids get home and Princess N walks in and says, "Quarterback's been moved to Mrs. H's class." Immediately I was stunned. Forget that my kids found out before me and that no e-mail was received from the school alerting me of this change, but WHAT??? Wait, I wanted him to stay in Mrs. D's class. He's supposed to be in Mrs. D's class...he's not supposed to move!
So my first response was, "Mrs. H., as in his first grade teacher Mrs. H.?" Quarterback, "Yes. She's coming back and I'm in her class." He seems to be okay and at this point, so am I. I like her, she was great in first grade and I have no doubt she will be equally great this year. Okay, I think I can handle this.
"So who else is in your class." After a few I can't remembers, he starts to list out the few he remembers. Then I grab his class list and go through it. Hmmm...only 9 total kids moving out of his existing class with 3 going to the other 3rd grade class and 6 going to the new class (at least according to him). Okay, that doesn't make a lot of sense, but I'll go with it. We go through last year's year book and pick out a few more that will be in his class. Now I'm starting to get a little confused, disappointed, and honestly, angry. As he goes through the list, I am noticing one very unsettling trend.
Now to preface this it must be understood that over the last three years I have spent a considerable amount of time in the school, helping in the classroom as well as with assessments. So as he continues to list some of the kids I begin to get concerned and angry. Concerned that Quarterback has been placed in a class where many of the kids are at "lower" levels than where he is. Angry that he would be lumped in that group. I even went so far as to call my friend and declare that my son had been shafted. I am really trying to find the bright side at this point, but there is one blaring thought that will not go away...not one single HA kid was moved out of the class he was in and into the new class. And this fact was very disturbing.
Now remember that he hasn't actually been identified as an HA kid. That's just in my mind...what I think he is or deserves. And what is going on with the kids is also a perception thing and not necessarily the truth, for there was no explanation given or reasoning as to who or why. Although I intend to find out why, it is not important at this point in time...and it is certainly not worth losing sleep over, which I have done each of the last two nights.
I am fairly dumbfounded, hurt, frustrated, angry, confused, concerned, and down right a mess by the time our friends start coming over for small group. My wonderful husband again reminded me that Quarterback, when it is all said and done, isn't really ours, but God's. So, yes, that is true...BUT...
I don't want to hear that at this point, so I in my usual, very mature, way - especially with people coming over - stomp out of my kitchen, into my room, and finally into the bathroom, where I just cry. Roundabout Geek comes in after a while and tries to reason with me. (I am fairly unreasonable at this point. After all, we're talking about my son here.) When suddenly we hear, "Guys Joshua hit his head...and he's bleeding."
Ooookay. Out into the living room we go where there appears to be some chaos ensuing, which in and of itself isn't startling since chaos is the nice way of putting our house on Friday nights. This chaos is slightly different...Joshua is in the kitchen screaming with a towel over his head and a stream of blood flowing down his face. I rush to him while my friend tells me it's gushing. Not believing her I pulled the towel away from his head to find that he did have a nice sized cut and it was in fact gushing. By this time, my husband has walked in and I quickly handed Joshua to him and said, ER, NOW!! In my panic I cursed because of the ten pairs of flip flops I have, it seemed that all 10 pairs had conveniently disappeared at the exact same time. And the insurance card is in the car, the locked car. While I am panicing, my husband is calmly holding Joshua on our back deck, patiently waiting for the tornado of his wife to join him so we could walk to the ER. (It is only a two minute walk from our back door.)
Three stitches and a funny conversation with the discharge nurse later, we are headed home to join our small group.
And in this time, God put some things into perspective for me. He started by asking me the question, "Who do you think you are?" He meant no disrespect, but it was the question that needed to be asked.
Who am I to say that Quarterback was in the right class before? Who am I to say that he hasn't been placed in the right class now? Who am I to say that the class isn't "smart enough" for him? Who am I to say that the wrong decision was made? I have prayed every year that God would put my kids in the right class that would enable them to grow not only as students, but more importantly as people and individuals. He has never let me down. Who am I to think I now know more than God when it comes to the classes my kids are in? Really, who am I?
The fact of the matter is that I was feeling so self-righteous that my son deserves to be in this certain class. It goes back to my pride. I can mask it by saying things like: I'm scared he won't be challenged and if he isn't challenged he'll get bored and act out; or I know that some of these kids are not as advanced as Christian is. But really, those are my issues, not Christians. Now, does it mean that I don't watch for new problems? Absolutely not. But what it does mean is that I stop borrowing trouble from tomorrow.
There is a reason he is in this new class. God knows why and I now have to step back and say, okay...you know what he needs. See it's not about what I want or what I think he needs. On the contrary, it is about what God knows he needs. Two very different things. And unfortunately, I won't be able to see what God knows right now. All I can do is remain active in the classroom, work diligently with Quarterback to ensure that he isn't falling behind or not being challenged enough, and pray that God would use Quarterback to bring Him glory in the classroom.
All I can do is remember that it is all about perspective, and I need to stop looking at things through my eyes. Rather, I need to look at it through God's eyes.
It's all about...perspective.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Really??
Really? Three months...really? WOW how time flies when you have three kids, a job, a house, sports, etc. But really, three months?
So what's new?? Well, Princess N and Quarterback started school, 5th and 3rd grades respectively. Love their school, their teacher, their classes. Can't believe Princess N is already a 5th grader. Can't time just stop...do they really have to get older??? She will start ballet and pointe in a couple of weeks (after labor day). She is on safety patrol at school, and loving it.
Quarterback is as active as ever. Baseball, now football. We're full swing into football now. Three practices a week and games begin the 11th. He doesn't stop moving and is now determined to move even faster. He's a great big brother, which we knew he would be. Gets annoyed at Joshua sometimes, but then there are times that he is the one doing the annoying. We love his personality and his love of motion.
Joshua has been here six months now and has celebrated his 3rd birthday with us. We had a big party for him - it was the first time he'd ever had a birthday party. Yet another God is so good moment for us. He had his six month check-ups at our doctor and the international adoption clinic. He has grown an inch and a half in six months and gained about 2 pounds. He would eat all the time if I let him. Princess N is such a good big sister (and a better mom than me sometimes :)). He loves his sister and she loves him. He is a typical three year old - rambunctious delightful, stubborn, loving, active...the list goes on. He has come such a long way in 6 months. Even the doctors say so!!!
Oh, and one more thing about Joshua...
HE IS OURS!!!!
Our adoption became final on July 30th. So after almost 4 years since we started the process with Jonathan and three years of being in process with Joshua, God has answered every prayer. OUR son is home, healthy, safe, and ours. We have one step left with his citizenship, but unless there is a law passed, that won't start until July of 2012. We are praying that the US Government would allow these Haitian parolees to become citizens sooner than that. But, we look at the positive side....we have our son and he is OURS!!!
We continue to pray for the parents that are still struggling with getting enough paperwork to get their adoptions approved Two of our friends are still in finalizing their adoptions here in our state. And one friend still has a daughter in Haiti that was denied parole.
More importantly though, we pray for those who are in Haiti - the missionaries, the Haitian people, the children. There are too many horror stories to mention. People still living in tent cities. Much of the money that has been promised has not arrived and if it has, isn't being used. Children are still being "cared for" by UNICEF. I use that phrase very loosely...the level and quality of care these children have been receiving is horrible...many dogs in the US are treated better than these children in Haiti.
We pray for HIS Home for Children and the work they continue to do to help the children, being sometimes the only voice the children have.
We pray for Nehemiah Vision Ministries and the work they are doing in the now, not so tiny village of Chambrun and the HUGE difference they are making there.
We pray for Ebenezer Evangelical Missions and the work they do in St. Louis du Nord, a once quiet village on the north side of the island that has seen an influx of people since the earthquake.
And on the lighter side of things, maybe...
I watched a video on facebook today about homecomings. Specifically when a soldier comes home from being away. Watching the surprise of their friends and family; the adoration of their spouses and children. Watching as looks of sheer relief travel over their faces at the same time as tears of joy start streaming down their cheeks. YUP!! I cried too.
And I started thinking.
I was first reminded of coming home from Haiti in March of 2008. We had been delayed overnight and arrived 12 hours later than we should have. My kids were in school by then. I went to the school office to sign in and just as I was walking out the door to go into the school, Quarterback's class came walking up in the hall. I stopped and just looked at him, then all at once he came running towards me and propelled himself into my arms. I was the one crying, so happy to see him. And I had only been gone a week. I can only imagine what it would be like coming home after months away. He didn't let go of my hand until he had to. I will never forget that as long as I live.
I also thought about something a friend wrote when she posted the video....that going to heaven must be like that...a homecoming. As I watched, I agreed. But then I really started thinking...that's what God does with each new believer. And if I were honest with myself, with me even though I became a believer a long time ago.
We know that God will search out the 1 sheep that is lost, leaving the 99 safe sheep behind. He's just like that. He loves each one of us so much that he will search for us relentlessly until we are safe in his arms. There are some who will continually run from Him, vowing to stay away. That is their choice. God is still there, still loving them, still searching for them. Here's the thing though, it doesn't take much for me to follow another path or get distracted. And soon, I find that I have wandered far away from God.
As I watched this video, I thought to myself that that must be what God feels like when WE come home...when I come home. Not to heaven, but to his loving arms. He didn't go anywhere...he was always right there. Rather it is I who left for a time and am now home.
He isn't surprised by my coming back to him. But he holds his arms out and lets me run into them.
He hugs me.
And I cry.
So what's new?? Well, Princess N and Quarterback started school, 5th and 3rd grades respectively. Love their school, their teacher, their classes. Can't believe Princess N is already a 5th grader. Can't time just stop...do they really have to get older??? She will start ballet and pointe in a couple of weeks (after labor day). She is on safety patrol at school, and loving it.
Quarterback is as active as ever. Baseball, now football. We're full swing into football now. Three practices a week and games begin the 11th. He doesn't stop moving and is now determined to move even faster. He's a great big brother, which we knew he would be. Gets annoyed at Joshua sometimes, but then there are times that he is the one doing the annoying. We love his personality and his love of motion.
Joshua has been here six months now and has celebrated his 3rd birthday with us. We had a big party for him - it was the first time he'd ever had a birthday party. Yet another God is so good moment for us. He had his six month check-ups at our doctor and the international adoption clinic. He has grown an inch and a half in six months and gained about 2 pounds. He would eat all the time if I let him. Princess N is such a good big sister (and a better mom than me sometimes :)). He loves his sister and she loves him. He is a typical three year old - rambunctious delightful, stubborn, loving, active...the list goes on. He has come such a long way in 6 months. Even the doctors say so!!!
Oh, and one more thing about Joshua...
HE IS OURS!!!!
Our adoption became final on July 30th. So after almost 4 years since we started the process with Jonathan and three years of being in process with Joshua, God has answered every prayer. OUR son is home, healthy, safe, and ours. We have one step left with his citizenship, but unless there is a law passed, that won't start until July of 2012. We are praying that the US Government would allow these Haitian parolees to become citizens sooner than that. But, we look at the positive side....we have our son and he is OURS!!!
We continue to pray for the parents that are still struggling with getting enough paperwork to get their adoptions approved Two of our friends are still in finalizing their adoptions here in our state. And one friend still has a daughter in Haiti that was denied parole.
More importantly though, we pray for those who are in Haiti - the missionaries, the Haitian people, the children. There are too many horror stories to mention. People still living in tent cities. Much of the money that has been promised has not arrived and if it has, isn't being used. Children are still being "cared for" by UNICEF. I use that phrase very loosely...the level and quality of care these children have been receiving is horrible...many dogs in the US are treated better than these children in Haiti.
We pray for HIS Home for Children and the work they continue to do to help the children, being sometimes the only voice the children have.
We pray for Nehemiah Vision Ministries and the work they are doing in the now, not so tiny village of Chambrun and the HUGE difference they are making there.
We pray for Ebenezer Evangelical Missions and the work they do in St. Louis du Nord, a once quiet village on the north side of the island that has seen an influx of people since the earthquake.
And on the lighter side of things, maybe...
I watched a video on facebook today about homecomings. Specifically when a soldier comes home from being away. Watching the surprise of their friends and family; the adoration of their spouses and children. Watching as looks of sheer relief travel over their faces at the same time as tears of joy start streaming down their cheeks. YUP!! I cried too.
And I started thinking.
I was first reminded of coming home from Haiti in March of 2008. We had been delayed overnight and arrived 12 hours later than we should have. My kids were in school by then. I went to the school office to sign in and just as I was walking out the door to go into the school, Quarterback's class came walking up in the hall. I stopped and just looked at him, then all at once he came running towards me and propelled himself into my arms. I was the one crying, so happy to see him. And I had only been gone a week. I can only imagine what it would be like coming home after months away. He didn't let go of my hand until he had to. I will never forget that as long as I live.
I also thought about something a friend wrote when she posted the video....that going to heaven must be like that...a homecoming. As I watched, I agreed. But then I really started thinking...that's what God does with each new believer. And if I were honest with myself, with me even though I became a believer a long time ago.
We know that God will search out the 1 sheep that is lost, leaving the 99 safe sheep behind. He's just like that. He loves each one of us so much that he will search for us relentlessly until we are safe in his arms. There are some who will continually run from Him, vowing to stay away. That is their choice. God is still there, still loving them, still searching for them. Here's the thing though, it doesn't take much for me to follow another path or get distracted. And soon, I find that I have wandered far away from God.
As I watched this video, I thought to myself that that must be what God feels like when WE come home...when I come home. Not to heaven, but to his loving arms. He didn't go anywhere...he was always right there. Rather it is I who left for a time and am now home.
He isn't surprised by my coming back to him. But he holds his arms out and lets me run into them.
He hugs me.
And I cry.
Monday, May 17, 2010
my mother's day
This was my first mother's day with all three of my kids. And what did I want, more than anything?
God is so very good!!!
A picture of our entire family together. I got what I wanted.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
In the spotlight...
We got our copy of Sports Illustrated today. And much to my surprise (dismay, perhaps), Ben Roethlisberger was emblazoned on the cover. I was surprised...and then I saw the headline: "THE HANGOVER BEN ROETHLISBERGER, Bad Behavior Bad Judgement, What Entitlement Run Amok is Costing The Proud Steelers". I quickly stuck the magazine in my work bag and headed in to begin the next part of my day - running Quarterback to baseball practice. I managed to slide the magazine out of my bag and onto the counter before I left. It was still there when we returned nearly two hours later.
Roundabout Geek saw it and picked it up, started reading it, finishing it later. And never said a word about the article.
So, after dinner was cleaned up, children bathed, and Joshua was in bed, I sat down to read the article about the now infamous Big Ben. It was quite pointed...Steelers are die hard fans. They love their football. What they don't love - football players who tarnish the reputation of their team, the sport, and their city. But it was really an article about how Big Ben could really be called Big, Bad Ben and how he needs to change his image. He even admits as much.
So, the big question is, will he? Will he really be humbled by his demise in popularity, by fans wanting the Steelers' brass to trade him away, by a six-game suspension? Will he really change his ways, change his attitude, his life? Unfortunately, as the Steeler Nation takes a collective breath - we'll believe it when we see it.
So all of this got me thinking. What is it that "caused" Big Ben's demise? One word - PRIDE. Yup, that's all it is. And pride is the root of our sin...really it is. You could look at every other sin and it would all boil down to pride. Pride is so serious that Solomon included it in several of his Proverbs.
Proverbs 8:13 "To fear the LORD is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behaviour and perverse speech."
Proverbs 11:2 "Whe pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom."
Proverbs 13:10 "Pride ony breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice."
Proverbs 16:18 "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall."
Proverbs 29:23 "A man's pride brings him low, but a mon of lowly spirit gains honor."
In Daniel, King Nebuchadnezzer says, "And those who walk in pride he is able to humble." (Daniel 4:37)
Pride is the cause of a multitude of sins...and it all began when Eve thought she knew better than God.
I find it interesting that God uses this same sin to bring glory to himself...only someone who can confess their pride to God will truly be able to break free from the chains that pride wraps around our hearts. And when we can rejoice and break free from the shackles pride locks us in, the only thing we can do is give glory to God!!
As with many other sins, pride can only be remedied by humility. Humility is not something we ask for ourselves...it is something given to us by God, usually through others. Humility and the discipline it requires is not easy or fun or enjoyable. Folks, I'm here to tell you it just stinks. I have a multitude of pride issues and although I feel God slowly chipping away at my pride-encrusted heart, I find that pride is always there, lurking in the background. And here's the scary part, if I am in any way, shape, or form, not maintaining a constant connection with God, pride will once again take over. And the engr2mom that emerges when that happens is not a good one. I have been admonished on more than one occassion because of my pride. Thank you! to the friends who truly love me enough to tell me!
Pride causes me to lose my temper and my patience, particularly with my kids. Afterall, isn't my time more important than theirs...my agenda more important than what they want me to do?
Pride causes me to judge others in my life. After all, I am doing something better than them, aren't I?
Pride cuases bitterness. After all, it's not my fault...I shouldn't have to apologize, should I?
Pride causes jealousy. After all,I work hard, don't I deserve that too?
Pride causes me to be quick to speak and to anger, and slow to listen. After all, I have something really important to say, more important than what you are saying. Don't I deserve to be heard too?
I could go on, but I think you get the point. I struggle with pride - A LOT. I purposely shy away from times where I could be in the spotlight. I already know exactly where that will lead. I find myself thinking of doing things that could bring glory to me, myself, and I, and have to immediately pray that God would take away those selfish thoughts, banishing them from my brain and my heart. I find myself comparing myself to others, a lot, and judging them because they aren't like me, don't act like me, don't make decisions like me, don't think link me, don't talk like me, don't...(again, you get the picture).
I know that I cannot get over my pride issues by myself. It was Jesus who said in Mark 10:37, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God." And in Phillipians 4:13, Paul says, "I can do everything through him who gives me strength."
I cannot overcome my many pride issues, but GOD can. And really, only HE is able to conquer them. He and I have a long way to go when it comes to my pride issues. But I know he will not leave me or forsake me. He will walk alongside of me, sometimes pushing me along, sometimes dragging me. We will have some talks over and over again, he and I. We will walk down some well-worn paths...again. We will visit some of the same haunts. All in an effort to deal with my pride issues.
And I welcome them because I don't like who I am when I am full of self and pride.
I don't have a football team resting on my shoulders. I don't have a nation watching every move I make, eager to slander me at the first mishap in my behavior. I don't have a boss who is just one more thing away from kicking my hiney out the door. I don't have eight-year-old boys looking up to me and saying, "I want to be just like him" and then having to explain to said eight-year-old boy just why he shouldn't be just like him. I don't live in the spotlight like Ben does.
Or do I?
I don't live in a glass bubble where people can see me everywhere because of who I am. My mistakes don't make the front cover of SI or the headline on the news. But I do have three kids who see me the way no one else sees me. I have three kids who see everything I do, hear everything I say, watch every move I make. If I lose my temper, they see it. If I lose it at them, they feel it. If I say something I shouldn't about someone else, they hear it. If I diserspect their father in their presence, they know it. And when my kids say to me, "You're the best mommy in the whole world," you would think it be all fuzzy feelings. Unfortunately, for me, it isn't usually a warm fuzzy. Why? Because I know that all too often, my pride gets in my way and I treat them poorly. And yet, they say "I love you" and that I'm the best mommy.
I live in a glass bubble, one that sits precariously on the pedestal on which my children have placed it. I am not ignorant of this fact, though all too often it seems as if I have. So even though I may not live in the spotlight by the world's standards, by God's standards and by my kids' standards, I live very much in the spotlight.
To God alone be the glory for all that I have been through and the way he has led me throught it. He alone is worthy of my praise and adoration.
Roundabout Geek saw it and picked it up, started reading it, finishing it later. And never said a word about the article.
So, after dinner was cleaned up, children bathed, and Joshua was in bed, I sat down to read the article about the now infamous Big Ben. It was quite pointed...Steelers are die hard fans. They love their football. What they don't love - football players who tarnish the reputation of their team, the sport, and their city. But it was really an article about how Big Ben could really be called Big, Bad Ben and how he needs to change his image. He even admits as much.
So, the big question is, will he? Will he really be humbled by his demise in popularity, by fans wanting the Steelers' brass to trade him away, by a six-game suspension? Will he really change his ways, change his attitude, his life? Unfortunately, as the Steeler Nation takes a collective breath - we'll believe it when we see it.
So all of this got me thinking. What is it that "caused" Big Ben's demise? One word - PRIDE. Yup, that's all it is. And pride is the root of our sin...really it is. You could look at every other sin and it would all boil down to pride. Pride is so serious that Solomon included it in several of his Proverbs.
Proverbs 8:13 "To fear the LORD is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behaviour and perverse speech."
Proverbs 11:2 "Whe pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom."
Proverbs 13:10 "Pride ony breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice."
Proverbs 16:18 "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall."
Proverbs 29:23 "A man's pride brings him low, but a mon of lowly spirit gains honor."
In Daniel, King Nebuchadnezzer says, "And those who walk in pride he is able to humble." (Daniel 4:37)
Pride is the cause of a multitude of sins...and it all began when Eve thought she knew better than God.
I find it interesting that God uses this same sin to bring glory to himself...only someone who can confess their pride to God will truly be able to break free from the chains that pride wraps around our hearts. And when we can rejoice and break free from the shackles pride locks us in, the only thing we can do is give glory to God!!
As with many other sins, pride can only be remedied by humility. Humility is not something we ask for ourselves...it is something given to us by God, usually through others. Humility and the discipline it requires is not easy or fun or enjoyable. Folks, I'm here to tell you it just stinks. I have a multitude of pride issues and although I feel God slowly chipping away at my pride-encrusted heart, I find that pride is always there, lurking in the background. And here's the scary part, if I am in any way, shape, or form, not maintaining a constant connection with God, pride will once again take over. And the engr2mom that emerges when that happens is not a good one. I have been admonished on more than one occassion because of my pride. Thank you! to the friends who truly love me enough to tell me!
Pride causes me to lose my temper and my patience, particularly with my kids. Afterall, isn't my time more important than theirs...my agenda more important than what they want me to do?
Pride causes me to judge others in my life. After all, I am doing something better than them, aren't I?
Pride cuases bitterness. After all, it's not my fault...I shouldn't have to apologize, should I?
Pride causes jealousy. After all,I work hard, don't I deserve that too?
Pride causes me to be quick to speak and to anger, and slow to listen. After all, I have something really important to say, more important than what you are saying. Don't I deserve to be heard too?
I could go on, but I think you get the point. I struggle with pride - A LOT. I purposely shy away from times where I could be in the spotlight. I already know exactly where that will lead. I find myself thinking of doing things that could bring glory to me, myself, and I, and have to immediately pray that God would take away those selfish thoughts, banishing them from my brain and my heart. I find myself comparing myself to others, a lot, and judging them because they aren't like me, don't act like me, don't make decisions like me, don't think link me, don't talk like me, don't...(again, you get the picture).
I know that I cannot get over my pride issues by myself. It was Jesus who said in Mark 10:37, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God." And in Phillipians 4:13, Paul says, "I can do everything through him who gives me strength."
I cannot overcome my many pride issues, but GOD can. And really, only HE is able to conquer them. He and I have a long way to go when it comes to my pride issues. But I know he will not leave me or forsake me. He will walk alongside of me, sometimes pushing me along, sometimes dragging me. We will have some talks over and over again, he and I. We will walk down some well-worn paths...again. We will visit some of the same haunts. All in an effort to deal with my pride issues.
And I welcome them because I don't like who I am when I am full of self and pride.
I don't have a football team resting on my shoulders. I don't have a nation watching every move I make, eager to slander me at the first mishap in my behavior. I don't have a boss who is just one more thing away from kicking my hiney out the door. I don't have eight-year-old boys looking up to me and saying, "I want to be just like him" and then having to explain to said eight-year-old boy just why he shouldn't be just like him. I don't live in the spotlight like Ben does.
Or do I?
I don't live in a glass bubble where people can see me everywhere because of who I am. My mistakes don't make the front cover of SI or the headline on the news. But I do have three kids who see me the way no one else sees me. I have three kids who see everything I do, hear everything I say, watch every move I make. If I lose my temper, they see it. If I lose it at them, they feel it. If I say something I shouldn't about someone else, they hear it. If I diserspect their father in their presence, they know it. And when my kids say to me, "You're the best mommy in the whole world," you would think it be all fuzzy feelings. Unfortunately, for me, it isn't usually a warm fuzzy. Why? Because I know that all too often, my pride gets in my way and I treat them poorly. And yet, they say "I love you" and that I'm the best mommy.
I live in a glass bubble, one that sits precariously on the pedestal on which my children have placed it. I am not ignorant of this fact, though all too often it seems as if I have. So even though I may not live in the spotlight by the world's standards, by God's standards and by my kids' standards, I live very much in the spotlight.
To God alone be the glory for all that I have been through and the way he has led me throught it. He alone is worthy of my praise and adoration.
Monday, March 22, 2010
hurry up and wait
Those four words have defined our adoption process to date and there is nothing new that will change that any time soon.
Chris called me this afternoon...she is sorting through the files she recevied back from HIS House for each of the children. There is nothing in Joshua's file that is worthwhile to us - no birth certificate, no renunciation papers, nothing. Since we are going to complete his adoption here in the US, we have to contact our Haitian lawyer to retrieve our documents from IBESR in Haiti and then give them to Hal and Chris to bring back here for us.
So, now we wait...again. I have contacted our lawyer here to see if we can proceed without these documents. We'll see what he says. All we have for him right now are his refugee resettlement papers.
Now, I ask, why would the US Government take all of the paperwork we will need to complete our adoption here and NOT give them back to us. What if we can't get the information out of Haiti? What if the documents are buried in the bottom of the rubble that was once the Presidential Palace? Then what?
So, now we wait. I've sent e-mails to both lawyers and have asked one to find out if we can proceed here without those documents and the other to see if they can get our files out of IBESR.
This is not the news I wanted to hear, obviously. I was under the impression that all of our documents would be available to us. If only I had made a copy of Joshua's birth certificate before I gave it to the Embassy in Haiti when we signed our I-600. Then I would at least have a copy of that. But no, I don't even have that!
Well, whatever hurdles we must jump now, whatever hoops we must go through, Joshua is here with us as we sort out the paperwork.
Please join us in praying for our papers...that they would be retrieved out of IBESR, that we could proceed without the papers here, that we won't owe a lot to the lawyer in Haiti (she really hadn't done ANYTHING on our file in over a year since it was tied up in the President's office). Thanks.
Chris called me this afternoon...she is sorting through the files she recevied back from HIS House for each of the children. There is nothing in Joshua's file that is worthwhile to us - no birth certificate, no renunciation papers, nothing. Since we are going to complete his adoption here in the US, we have to contact our Haitian lawyer to retrieve our documents from IBESR in Haiti and then give them to Hal and Chris to bring back here for us.
So, now we wait...again. I have contacted our lawyer here to see if we can proceed without these documents. We'll see what he says. All we have for him right now are his refugee resettlement papers.
Now, I ask, why would the US Government take all of the paperwork we will need to complete our adoption here and NOT give them back to us. What if we can't get the information out of Haiti? What if the documents are buried in the bottom of the rubble that was once the Presidential Palace? Then what?
So, now we wait. I've sent e-mails to both lawyers and have asked one to find out if we can proceed here without those documents and the other to see if they can get our files out of IBESR.
This is not the news I wanted to hear, obviously. I was under the impression that all of our documents would be available to us. If only I had made a copy of Joshua's birth certificate before I gave it to the Embassy in Haiti when we signed our I-600. Then I would at least have a copy of that. But no, I don't even have that!
Well, whatever hurdles we must jump now, whatever hoops we must go through, Joshua is here with us as we sort out the paperwork.
Please join us in praying for our papers...that they would be retrieved out of IBESR, that we could proceed without the papers here, that we won't owe a lot to the lawyer in Haiti (she really hadn't done ANYTHING on our file in over a year since it was tied up in the President's office). Thanks.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
famous faces
Here's what we did today:
An afternoon with mere. And...
PG 85 - otherwise known as Pierre Garcon, #85 of the Indianapolis Colts.
He was doing a signing at the mall and we paid our money to get him to autograph a picture of him holding the Haitian flag after the AFC Championship game. We found out about the signing through facebook and I called to inquire about the signing...had a lovely conversation with the owner of the store, Steve, who just fell in love with our story. I went in that day to purchase our VIP ticket and had another conversation with Steve. When we got our ticket today from Brett, he knew who we were already (thanks Steve!). We waited in line and when it was our turn (we were 15th in line), Brett leaned over to Pierre and said, "This is the kid from Haiti." He signed our picture and then asked us if we wanted him to get a picture of him. Well, if it wouldn't be too much trouble...
Very cool day.
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