perspective

Amazing how God uses life's little problems to give me perspective...like how things I think are HUGE really aren't.  This is a post that's been mulling around in my head since Friday.  Still not sure that every thought is coherent, but it has to come out, so...

On Thursday I learned that due to the growth of the third grade class, a third, third grade teacher would be added, making the class sizes 22 to 24 kids rather than 34 right now.  That's good, right?  Well it all depends on your perspective.

For the teachers and students it is great.  Less students in the classroom means more opportunities to work one on one with the children.  A bonus all around.  So, what's the problem? Well, I liked Quarterback's teacher.  I knew she would challenge him beyond what he thought he was capable of, something we are struggling with getting him to understand.  I knew he wouldn't be bored.  More importantly, I knew he was excited to be in her class.  After all, he has never been so excited about a teacher that he called to tell me all about her...and that was the ONLY reason he called.

So while the principal, teachers, and some parents are rejoicing that there will be a new teacher, I am silently praying that Quarterback will stay in that class because I want him to have that teacher.  Because somewhere down deep I had convinced myself that he deserves to be in that class with that teacher because that's where all the "high ability" kids are.  Okay, minor detail...he hasn't actually been labeled high ability, but I think he is, so to me that's all that mattered.  I told Roundabout Geek to pray that he stays in her class.  Fortunately God did not make him and me and the same.  My very wise husband texted me back with, "Shouldn't we be praying that he is in the right class for him?"  (Why is it whenever you want your husband to agree with you he doesn't, and what's worse you know he's right???)

So Friday rolls around...having a pretty good day with Joshua.  He took an unusually long nap, which afforded me some time to rest and do something I rarely do...watch a movie by myself.  So, I'm feeling pretty good.  The kids get home and Princess N walks in and says, "Quarterback's been moved to Mrs. H's class."  Immediately I was stunned.  Forget that my kids found out before me and that no e-mail was received from the school alerting me of this change, but WHAT???  Wait, I wanted him to stay in Mrs. D's class.  He's supposed to be in Mrs. D's class...he's not supposed to move! 

So my first response was, "Mrs. H., as in his first grade teacher Mrs. H.?"  Quarterback, "Yes.  She's coming back and I'm in her class."  He seems to be okay and at this point, so am I.  I like her, she was great in first grade and I have no doubt she will be equally great this year.  Okay, I think I can handle this.

"So who else is in your class."  After a few I can't remembers, he starts to list out the few he remembers.  Then I grab his class list and go through it.  Hmmm...only 9 total kids moving out of his existing class with 3 going to the other 3rd grade class and 6 going to the new class (at least according to him).  Okay, that doesn't make a lot of sense, but I'll go with it.  We go through last year's year book and pick out a few more that will be in his class.  Now I'm starting to get a little confused, disappointed, and honestly, angry.  As he goes through the list, I am noticing one very unsettling trend.

Now to preface this it must be understood that over the last three years I have spent a considerable amount of time in the school, helping in the classroom as well as with assessments.  So as he continues to list some of the kids I begin to get concerned and angry.  Concerned that Quarterback has been placed in a class where many of the kids are at "lower" levels than where he is.  Angry that he would be lumped in that group.  I even went so far as to call my friend and declare that my son had been shafted.  I am really trying to find the bright side at this point, but there is one blaring thought that will not go away...not one single HA kid was moved out of the class he was in and into the new class.  And this fact was very disturbing.

Now remember that he hasn't actually been identified as an HA kid.  That's just in my mind...what I think he is or deserves.  And what is going on with the kids is also a perception thing and not necessarily the truth, for there was no explanation given or reasoning as to who or why.  Although I intend to find out why, it is not important at this point in time...and it is certainly not worth losing sleep over, which I have done each of the last two nights.

I am fairly dumbfounded, hurt, frustrated, angry, confused, concerned, and down right a mess by the time our friends start coming over for small group.  My wonderful husband again reminded me that Quarterback, when it is all said and done, isn't really ours, but God's.  So, yes, that is true...BUT...

I don't want to hear that at this point, so I in my usual, very mature, way - especially with people coming over - stomp out of my kitchen, into my room, and finally into the bathroom, where I just cry.  Roundabout Geek comes in after a while and tries to reason with me. (I am fairly unreasonable at this point.  After all, we're talking about my son here.)  When suddenly we hear, "Guys Joshua hit his head...and he's bleeding." 

Ooookay.  Out into the living room we go where there appears to be some chaos ensuing, which in and of itself isn't startling since chaos is the nice way of putting our house on Friday nights.  This chaos is slightly different...Joshua is in the kitchen screaming with a towel over his head and a stream of blood flowing down his face.  I rush to him while my friend tells me it's gushing.  Not believing her I pulled the towel away from his head to find that he did have a nice sized cut and it was in fact gushing.   By this time, my husband has walked in and I quickly handed Joshua to him and said, ER, NOW!!  In my panic I cursed because of the ten pairs of flip flops I have, it seemed that all 10 pairs had conveniently disappeared at the exact same time.  And the insurance card is in the car, the locked car.  While I am panicing, my husband is calmly holding Joshua on our back deck, patiently waiting for the tornado of his wife to join him so we could walk to the ER.  (It is only a two minute walk from our back door.) 

Three stitches and a funny conversation with the discharge nurse later, we are headed home to join our small group.

And in this time, God put some things into perspective for me.  He started by asking me the question, "Who do you think you are?"  He meant no disrespect, but it was the question that needed to be asked. 

Who am I to say that Quarterback was in the right class before?  Who am I to say that he hasn't been placed in the right class now?  Who am I to say that the class isn't "smart enough" for him?  Who am I to say that the wrong decision was made?  I have prayed every year that God would put my kids in the right class that would enable them to grow not only as students, but more importantly as people and individuals.  He has never let me down.  Who am I to think I now know more than God when it comes to the classes my kids are in?  Really, who am I?

The fact of the matter is that I was feeling so self-righteous that my son deserves to be in this certain class.  It goes back to my pride.  I can mask it by saying things like:  I'm scared he won't be challenged and if he isn't challenged he'll get bored and act out; or I know that some of these kids are not as advanced as Christian is.  But really, those are my issues, not Christians.  Now, does it mean that I don't watch for new problems?  Absolutely not.  But what it does mean is that I stop borrowing trouble from tomorrow.

There is a reason he is in this new class.  God knows why and I now have to step back and say, okay...you know what he needs.  See it's not about what I want or what I think he needs.  On the contrary, it is about what God knows he needs.  Two very different things.  And unfortunately, I won't be able to see what God knows right now.  All I can do is remain active in the classroom, work diligently with Quarterback to ensure that he isn't falling behind or not being challenged enough, and pray that God would use Quarterback to bring Him glory in the classroom.

All I can do is remember that it is all about perspective, and I need to stop looking at things through my eyes.  Rather, I need to look at it through God's eyes.

It's all about...perspective.