Choices

Today was a better day.  I got an e-mail from one of my friends that got let go from work last week...I cried.  Not a lot, mind you, but I did.  It's wierd....I used to be surrounded by people at work.  I am now one of 2 women left in our department. (I'm an engineer...remember the female:male ratio is usually about 1:10, whether at school or at work.  I chose to work in a predominantly man's world after all!)

Where there used to be almost too many people for our floor - every cubicle held someone, whether technician or engineer, it seems there are more empty than occupied.  All of the offices lining the perimeter of the floor were full and individuals who were "owed" an office were waiting in line.  Now, there are two empty offices adjacent to me and several down the hall.  There was so much work that overtime wasn't optional, it was mandatory (except for me, Ms. Part-timer).  Now we're all wondering when when we'll hit bottom and start climbing out again.

And so, there have been people let go.  And now everyone who is left is "on notice".  Who's next?  When?  What do I need to do to make sure I'm not one of the "nexts"?

Well, as much as I'd like to sit and worry, I'm choosing not to.  At least I'm choosing to try not to anyway.  I would feel so much better if someone could say to me, "Natalie, stop worrying.  You are safe."  But no one will tell me that.  What I do can be done by any one of the project managers I work with.  Why on earth keep me when you could tell the pm's to do the job themselves and get rid of me???  Of course, there's the other side of the equation - the one Roundabout Geek has to constantly remind me of - every minute, every hour I work is billable.  I have very little overhead compared to others.

But still, why keep me and let someone else go?  Why let that person go when there's another person who is so much more worthy of that distinction?  The questions are endless.  The answers are not coming.

And so I go on....and I keep working, hard.  I keep doing my best.  I keep pushing myself.  I keep choosing to do my job and do it well.  I keep plugging along.  I keep going.

And, isn't that what every day is like?  I mean really...isn't that just part of life?  Choosing one thing or another?  I can choose to have a lousy attitude or I can choose to look at the positive side.  I can choose to worry about my job or I can choose to continue doing the very best job I can.  I can choose to feel sorry for myself or I can choose to pick myself up and keep going.

We are trying to discipline Princess N and Quarterback by using choices:

"Either you can stop complaining about having to do your homework or you will lose the Wii for the rest of the week.  It is your choice and either way you will get your homework done.  What happens after you complete your work is completely up to you."

- OR -

"Either you can clean your room on your own or I can do it for you, but if I do it you will lose a lot of the stuff you now have in your room.  Your room will be clean either way.  What happens to all your stuff is completely up to you."

The choices seem kind of "easy" from an adult stand point...but trust me , it gets their attention in some big ways.  It's all about finding what will really get them to stop and consider their actions.

Life is full of choices.  Some we get to make for ourselves.  Some we get made for us.  In those cases, our choice is this:  we choose how to react.  We can choose to say "Okay, not what I wanted but I'm willing to make the best of it." Or, we can choose to say "Well this stinks.  This is so not what I waned.  I mean really, you want me to do that?  Are you kidding me?"

I used to hate it when my mom would tell me that the only person I'm really hurting by my attitude is me.  As I've grown older, I get it. That I get...in fact one of my favorite things to say to someone is, "I can't make you feel anything.  That is your choice."  But at the same token, I am becoming more and more aware of how something I say or do could cause harm to someone, even though how they react is really their choice.

I am learning to choose to no longer be a victim and instead choosing the high road.  I am also learning how to discern those things I say or do that could cause harm to someone else so they aren't forced to make that choice.

Notice I use the word "learning".  I'm not perfect.  I screw up A LOT!!  Remember my temper tantrum yesterday when I couldn't find my jump drive?  Choosing to control my frustration, impatience, and temper, has been and will continue to be a lifelong bottle.  Choosing not to make mountains out of mole hills; choosing to parent and discipline with love and no out of anger; choosing how to more effectively spend my time; choosing my priorities; choosing to walk the walk and not just talk the talk.  I will struggle with making good choices for as long as I walk this earth.

One thing I know for certain - I will choose to follow Christ.  After all, he made some choices too.  Some choices that will forever affect me and where I spend eternity. 

I once heard a communion meditation that consisted of a conversation between God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit.  The three of them were talking about creating the earth and all that creating the earth involved.  Then it came time to create man.  As they were discussing their options, God the Son was all for creating man.  God the Father wasn't so sure - you know he will turn away from us.
Son:  Yes, create him.
Father: You know they're going to disobey us.
Son: Yes, create him.
Father:  You know they're going to sin.
Son:  Yes, create him.
Father:  You know they'll die unless someone dies for them.
Son:  Yes, create him.
Father:  You  know you will be the one that dies for them.
Son:  Yes, create him.

Remember Jesus' prayers on the Mount of Olives?  He asked God, the Father, to take away the cup he was about to drink, but "Not my will but your's be done."  He chose to follow the path that God had set out for him.  He chose to follow God's will and not his own.

So, each day I will choose to follow God.  Some days I will do so better than others.  Some days will be more difficult than others to remember who is Lord of my life. Some days I will remember that everything I do is a choice, some days I will want to be a victim.  Some days will be good.  Some days will be not so good.

Everyday is a choice.  What will you choose today?