I don't got it

We had a guest speaker this morning at our corporate worship*.  He used to be with a big body of believers in a big city north of here and then decided to plant a new one that looked a whole lot like ours does now.  He did that for a while and then it just ended.  He doesn't really know why or how, but it did.  His family then moved to a little town close to our little town and near where we go for worship.  Our elders asked him to speak with all of this morning. I'm glad they did.  I appreciated his honesty and the words he shared with us.  And through it all, I realized that I just don't got it.

(*we don't call our outings on Sunday mornings "church" because "church" isn't a thing we do or a place we go...it is who we are.  Jesus said that the Church is His Bride.  Since a "bride" is a person, not a place or a thing, the church isn't a building to go to or a thing we do.  We are His Bride. We are the Body.  We are THE Church.  So, we call Sunday mornings "corporate worship" since worship really is an act we should do all day, every day as believers of Christ.  He calls us to gather together as well, so we call that "corporate worship".  In case you were wondering...)

So, what is "it" I don't got?  Well, just "it".  There are a lot things I think I understand, or get.  Some of them I probably honestly do "get".  But this thing called life, I don't "get".  Whatever it is that God is trying to mold me into, one minute I think I got it, but the next second it becomes abundantly clear that I simply don't got it.  For example...

Have you ever been in a situation where you feel like someone wronged you, I mean really wronged you?  Maybe it was something they said or something they did.  Maybe it was the way you took something to mean one thing when they really meant it to be something else.  Either way, you're hurt and they don't want to apologize.  Because of course, an apology is required for forgiveness, right?

I had one of those - okay, more than one.  Times when I have been so hurt by someone that I held onto that hurt even though I thought I had walked away from it.  Except that I hadn't.  And to learn how to just move on when it seemed like something had to be said to clear the air.  For whatever reason, doing that is just hard for me, especially when there is no apology or acknowledgement of responsibility for whatever had been said or done...or thought.

After all,  I had been wronged and not only they not apologize, they had the nerve to just want to move on.  What?!  Move on?!  How do you move on from this without working through the issues?!

And,  to make things worse, I replay everything in my head.  So the more I think about it, the angrier I get.  I want an apology!  I want them to admit they were wrong and then we could talk it through and then I could forgive them and then we could move on.  Then and only then!

I've had counseling before.  For me, I had to do that if I was every going to move on.  You know what he told me?  I have to forgive them even if I never get an apology or even a chance to work through the issues at hand with them.  I have to forgive them.  Period.

I don't got it!!  I thought I could.  I thought I did.  I couldn't.  I didn't.  And now, all that anger is churning inside of me and that root of bitterness has taken residence in my heart.  My moods stink.  My attitude stinks worse.  I'm judgemental, resentful, easily angered, depressed, lazy...shall I go on?

I don't got it!!! I am right.  They are wrong.  And, oh did I mention that someone else is just frustrating the heck out me because they're just making really bad choices in their life right now.  And if I have to listen to so-and-so go on about how their life stinks when my own life has all of those things in it and you don't hear me complaining about those things, I am going to just go off on them.  Oh and today, when I see them, if they say this, then please God, don't let me say everything I want to say.

I don't got it!!! Here I am thinking I have it all together. I can speak the Christian speak. I can look like I'm walking the Christian walk with the best of them.  I can hand out scripture to people close to me when I think it would help them.  I can give advice on what to say or do. I even do things that I think God wants me to do.

But, folks, I don't got it!! What I have is pride and selfishness and an attitude that stinks and a heart that needs to be softened. That's what I got.

But guess what - the good news is that's OK.  No, I don't mean OK as in don't do anything about it okay.  I mean OK as in that's exactly what God wants me to say to Him.  

God, I don't got it.  I forgot who is king in my life.  I forgot who I worship and serve.  I forgot who needs to be my highest priority.  I forgot that I can't do anything on my own.  God.  Father.  Abba.  I forgot that my life isn't about me.  It's about you.  It's about loving you FIRST, not last.  It's about loving you with all my heart, all my mind, all my strength, and all my soul.  It's about putting you first.  It's about taking me off the throne and putting You on it.  It's about laying all my stuff - my bitterness, resentment, judgemental attitude, hard heart - all of that at your feet.  It's about dying to my self so I can live more fully in you.  It's not about me.  It's about you.

God wants us here.  He wants us open and honest.  He wants us when we realize we don't got it.  Because it is only when we realize we don't got it, that he can teach us and mold us.  He can prune away the dead and rotting branches so that new branches, full of life and love can begin growing. He can't soften a hard heart until we realize we don't got it.  He can't change us from the inside out - our words, our actions, our thoughts, our hearts, until we realize we don't got it.  When we don't got it is when he comes in and says, "You may not got it, but I do."

I'm really glad that this guest came in today.  I'm really glad he was honest about the fact that he doesn't got it.  I'm really thankful that he got right down to it - if we for one second take our eyes, ears, and hearts off the one and only King, then we don't got it.  He spoke right to me and I am so thankful.  Now maybe, just maybe I can start learning to forgive and truly get on with the life that God intended for me.