long night, long list

Well, thanks to a kind colleague Roundabout Geek met at one of the airports he is flying through, he was able to let me know he got to one destination and was preparing to board to his final destination far, far away.

Princess N and Quarterback are seemingly unphased by the absence of their Daddy.  I wish I could say the same thing.  Though, I am thankful they don't carry the burdens that he and I do.  Last night was a rough night of sleep for me.  I don't normally sleep well when he is not here.  Last night, though, was tougher.  Usually when he travels it is simply to some other part of this country and I will usually speak with him before I shut my eyes for the night.  Not so this time and I think that's what has me wired.  In fact, we're not sure how communication will work in the next week or so.

In 2002, he went to Mexico.  He called me when they got into Mexico, but I didn't hear from him again until they made it back to San Antonio.  And he's been to Haiti twice without me - before cell phones became useful in a third fourth world country.  The first time he went in 2003, one person here got a phone call letting everyone know they made it.  I didn't hear from him again until he was back in Miami.  And when he went in 2005, again, one person was called who let everyone else know.  I did hear from him mid-week...not that I wanted to because he did not call with good news.  And then, not again, until he was back in Miami.  So, not hearing from him for a week is not exactly something I haven't been through.

This time, I think is so different because he's sooooooo far away - farther than he's ever been before.  He has to fly through other countries just to get to his final destination.  And, not only that, he won't actually come home before I see him again.  On his way back from this far away place, he will stop in New York and overnight there, before joining me in Haiti next week.  I still don't have a ride for him from the airport to the hotel in Haiti where we will be staying. 

And communication in Haiti is decidely more difficult because they are not on the same type of communication system as we have here in the states.  Only certain cell phones can be used down there, and our crackberries aren't one of them.  Thanks to our wonderful company, though, I am able to borrow our world phone to have access to home from there.

I think if we were going to Haiti together, or meeting at an airport stateside, I might feel a bit better.  But as it stands, once he leaves the faraway place to come back to the states, it will be a loooong time before I hear from him again...not until he arrives in New York.

So, I'm anxious.

And to add to my anxiety are all of the things - normal and pre-travel things - I need to do here.  The list is so long I wonder if I'll ever get any of it done (of course sitting here blogging instead of starting my day isn't helping the list get any shorter). I know I will, thanks to long nights (remember sleep does not come easily to me right now) and only a couple of days at work this week.  But, there are things to do and places to go and work to do and packing to be done and more lists to be made of the things I need to buy to prepare for my trip and laundry to keep up with (lest I have to ask my MIL to do the kids' laundry for me).

Ugh.  It seems impossible.  I am anxious.

And yet, as I sit here in my little kitchen typing away on my laptop, getting all of this out, I am starting to feel a teeny, tiny, itty bit better.  I guess it helps to just get out there and out of my head.  When my head is too cluttered, I can't hear God.  I can't hear him telling me to just let go. I can't hear him telling me to be strong.  I can't hear him telling to lean on him.  I can't hear him telling me to trut him.  I can't hear him telling me that He is with me - always and forever, He is with me.  I can't hear the quiet reminders of his love, faith, strenght, patience, peace, and hope.  I can't feel his arms around me, holding me up.  When I allow my world to crash in around me, I can't see God.  I can't hear him.  I can't feel him.  Until I stop,and look up.  Somehow, no matter how much stuff is piled on top of me, there's always a little opening at the top...one just big enough for me to see the cross, and to remember that I am not alone.  One that is just big enough for me to look through and know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I. AM. NOT. ALONE! 

I may feel lonely without my husband here, or the ability to hear his voice.  But the truth is, I am not alone.  It is in these moments that I am reminded that there is a Husband and a Father who are always with me.  And it is in these moments that I become so aware of how I have allowed he clutter of my life to overcome me in ways that I cannot comprehend.

I am not alone.  I need God to guide me through this day, and the days ahead.  Every second.  Every minute. Every hour.  Every day.