surreal

Surreal...it is the only word I can think of right now to describe the miriad of emotions and thoughts that are going through my head.  Helpless is another word.  Pray...that is what I am doing.

I am sitting in my nice, warm, cozy bed watching my tv on the wall.  We don't have cable, so I'm spending half my time wishing we had CNN and the other half glad that we don't.  I wouldn't sleep...not that I did much of that last night and what I did get was fitful.

I have watched what I've been able to see on the local networks.  And my heart just breaks.  I am in shock.  I am numb.  I just can't believe it.

I am sitting on my bed, in my room under a roof.  My son sleeps in Haiti.  I have no idea where - is he inside or outside?  Do they have food and water?  Will they be able to GET food and water in the coming days?

What do I do?  What can I do?  Pray.  Donate.  Pray.  Contact my Senators and Representative and urge them to give priority to getting aid - and as much aid as possible - to this country 100 miles off our coast. 

My thoughts turn to something that I hadn't thought before - I wonder if his biological mom is still alive.  If she is, does she wonder about him?  If she is, where is she?  It is easy to "forget" about her since she isn't really a part of his life.  She does visit him every month, but he knows me as mom before he knows her. She has done everything we need her to do for the adoption.  So, she wasn't in my immediate thoughts.  But now, I wonder.

Princess N has felt "scared" watching the news, even though she is the one reminding me that Joshua is okay.  I figured out her fear was actually helplessness.  Remember, she has compassion oozing out of her.  She is ready to explode I think.  She knows something needs to happen.  She's just not sure what.  She came up with an idea tonight.  We're taking it to school tomorrow to see what they say.  Roundabout Geek and I are pitching in to help her as well.

We don't have anything new from HIS Home.  We haven't heard from Junior, Chris' right-hand man.  Without him, I'm not sure what she would do.  Praying he is okay and is just unable to make contact.

Pierre still hasn't gotten through to his family in Haiti.  Praising the Lord that he and Nathan are on a flight to Haiti via Missionary Flights International.  One of our adoptive moms who goes there about once a quarter to deliver formula is still planning on going on Saturday.  The airline has not yet cancelled their flight there...remember what it was like after 9-11?  I do...everyday you re-schedule your flight until you get to go.  I pray she can go as she will have formula and other needed supplies.

Princess N asked me today if I was still going in a few weeks, especially with what just happened.  Poor thing is a worry wart like her momma.  I know that if/when I go, she will be worried about me the entire time.  How can I stay away.  My baby boy is there.  Maybe I should just bring them with me...Roundabout Geek as well...then there would be no need to worry.  Maybe we should move down there.  They need engineers down there, right?  People to design roads and bridges, houses and buildings, develop infrastructure.  Hey, that's what we do!

Facebook, Twitter, Email...the only way to know what is going on.  There is no cell service right now.  Funny that the "better" phones work.  Most of them can barely afford food, but they all have phones.  Just surreal.

I want to sleep..my thoughts wander to Haiti and what's happened.  I feel like I'm going to wake up and someone is going to be staring me in the face and say PSYCH!!!   I know that won't happen.......

I just feel helpless and sad and sick and angry and frustrated and helpless and thankful and, dare I say, hopeful.  Maybe this will shed new light on this country...a country that was in such great need BEFORE the earthquake hit.  Maybe they won't be this forgotten fourth world nation 100 miles away from Florida.  Maybe, just maybe, with the help of countries like the United States and Canada and the many others, Haiti can rebuild.  Maybe, just maybe there is hope as the dust settles...hope for a future.

I try not to think about our adoption.  Doing so turns my focus away from what's going on and back onto what I want.  It's hard though.  Are our papers buried in the rubble of the Presidential Palace?  Or some other government building that no longer stands as tall as it once did?  Will this catastrophe somehow have a silver lining and they'll just tell us to take our kids home...like some type of immunity?  It is hard for my thoughts not to go there.  Maybe now that they're out of my head and on "paper", they'll stop popping into my head.  Maybe.

I try not to think of all the other things that could happen...food and water are basic necessities.  Will they have what they need?  Will they be able to get what they need?  What about disease?  What about their safety?

Not knowing is hard.  But then, I'm not in control.  I have to cling to the fact hat God IS in control.

I am going to read my Bible and try to sleep now.  Tomorrow is a new day.  Perhaps we'll know more in the morning.  Perhaps not.  Either way, God is still God.

Good night.