See, I've become complacent - comfortable. God has truly blessed us. We both have jobs. We have a roof over our head, food on our table, clothes on our backs, and reliable transportation to get us to and from wherever we need to go. We are all pretty healthy - a few bumps and bruises, a case of strep, and a few cases of the coughs and sniffles, but for the most part, healthy. We have a dog that drives us a crazy because she's old and a dog that drives us crazy because she's a puppy, and of course a cat - one that spends more time ON the house than IN the house. Princess N and Quarterback both brought home straight A report cards, though we would like it if they didn't just do what was required and instead stretched themselves a bit. Our furnace has a cracked heat exchange, but no worries! It's under warranty, so rather than have to pay for a brand new furnace, we "only" have to pay for the labor. We can pay the bills, and then some. We even have a little in our savings account right now. Our adoption, though painfully slow, is still moving, at a snail's pace, but that's better than no pace at all. Joshua is healthy and from the recent pictures I've seen, happy. Roundabout Geek and I have a good marriage - strong and comfortable; I truly enjoy that I'm married to him - even with our occassional moments. Princess N and Quarterback are fairly well behaved children, even with the frequency with which they test the line. We have a lot to be thankful for - A LOT.
We are in a time of abundance right now. And I am an Isrealite. I am thankful for what God has provided, but at the same time I have forgotten to praise him through it all. I didn't necessarily "turn away" from him as much as I have tried to go it on my own. Somewhere along the way, I bought into the lie that I didn't need God in my day to day things. I put him in a box, forgetting that thre is no box big enough to contain my God. I started walking the path of life thinking I had everything I needed to walk down this path. The path has been fairly even, the temperatures comfortable, and an ever-so-slight breeze has been blowing. There have been a few rocks to stumble on, but really, the path lately has been easy.
Until now, that is. And the sad thing is, it is not our family that is affected by lost jobs or houses, broken marriages, addictions that cause demise, children that are defiant, serious financial burdens, significant health issues...pick you poison. Rather I am affected by those around me that are going through this, those that I love.
- My mom has leiomyosarcoma of the uterus - an extremely rare form of uterine cancer that does not respond well to chemo or radiation. She lives in the frozen tundra and I am here is our little state south of there.
- We have friends who have had no income, other than unemployment.
- We have more friends who have just recently lost their jobs.
- We have close friends that are recovering from the bonds of addiction.
- We have friends whose husbands do far more traveling than Roundabout Geek.
- We have friends who say they have no friends.
- Countless numbers of our friends have been sick.
I have become complacent. The thought of one, or both of us, losing our jobs has rocked. My. World. And in all of this I realize just how far I have wandered from the arms of the one who loves. It would be so easy for me to say to Roundabout Geek, "I told you so!", especially if he was realizing something that was so blatantly obvious to me. But my Father, my God, isn't looking down on me saying, "I told you so!" Nope. That's not how my God responds to me! My God waits. And waits. And waits. He waits until it hurts him. He waits until I realize that I am lost and wandering. He waits until I see the darkness closing in around me - a darkness that I once thought was light. A darkness that was caused by my own complacency and comfort in my circumstances rather than in the arms of the one who loves. He waits for me, patiently, lovingly, faithfully. He waits for me to seek His healing power. He waits for me to touch the hem of his cloak. He waits. For me. He waits.
And when I come, when I seek His face, when I refuse to be cloaked in darkness any longer, He loves me like only a Father can love. He does not want me to be trapped in self-pity or self-loathing. He does not want me looking at the world around me, the people in my life, with a hardened heart, desiring to take out the speck in the eyes of those around me when there is this huge, larger than life plank in my own eye. He does not want a heart full of rage, anger, contempt, envy, greed, malicious talk, self-pity, self-righteousness, boasting, laziness, jealousy. There is simply no end to this list.
No, that is definitely not what God desires in my life. What happened to seeking out fruit - good, wholesome, loving fruit? When did I start seeking out the rotten, ugly, horrible fruit that I have been feeding myself? I don't know when, but I think I know why. And it all boils down to what I said at the beginning - I have become complacent. I have allowed my life to be filled with the fruit of this world rather than the fruit of the Spirit. I have allowed myself to be tempted by the gods of self-fulfillment, success, money, laziness, greed. I forgot to look up.
So this little jolt has reminded me of what fruit I should be eating - the fruit of the Spirit, right out of Galatians 5.
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nture with its passions and desires. Sicne we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking, and envying each other."
He wants me know a love that surpasses all,that covers the gaping crevace caused by my sinfulness - not just to know it exists in my head, but to know what that love means in my heart.
He wants me to know joy - true joy, a joy that does not come from being happy. Rather a joy one can only experience through perseverence.
He wants me to know peace - the only peace that passes understanding, a peace that does not mean everything is OK, but true peace that comes from knowing that through ALL of it, I will stand on the strength that God gives me and that God is ALWAYS by my side, and in many cases, carrying me through.
He wants me learn patience, the type of patience he has for me is what he wants me to give others. Patience to trust in his sovreignty - that His plans and His timing is perfect. ""For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" (Jeremiah 29:11)
He want me to know a goodness that comes from him and not from the world in which I live, and to live with goodness in my heart.
He wants me to know a faithfulness that spans all of eternity, not a fleeting loyalty that depends on my circumstances.
He wants me to know gentleness - the gentelness that can only be a result of the hand of God softening my hardened heart. A gentleness not about the words of my mouth, but in the meditations of my heart.
He wants me to have a self-control that is out-of-this-world, literally, a self-control that I cannot learn or have by seeking it for myself. It is a self-control that comes ONLY from being totally reliant on God, trusting Him implicitly.
Imagine a ladder - a ladder that reaches up to God. On this ladder, the rungs are labeled - from the bottom up - self-control, gentleness, faithfulness, goodness, kindness, patience, peace, joy, and love. To truly have a changed heart, one that I allow God to mold and caress, to hold in His hands, I have to start and the bottom of that ladder, learning one rung at a time. I cannot truly understand gentleness unless I truly understand self-control. I cannot understand faithfulness unless I truly understand gentleness. I cannot understand goodness unless I truly understand faithfulness. You get the drift.
He wants to be known by me. More importantly, he wants to know me. Wait! Hold the phone! Doesn't he already know me?! Well, yes, he knit me together in my mother's womb after all. But, there are parts of me I don't want him to know, even though he does, in fact, already know them. In knowing me, I am allowing him into my heart, into those places I don't really want him to go into. He wants me to be open, honest, completely vulnerable to him. Then, and only then, do I truly KNOW Him, as he makes himself known to me in those dark places. He wants to know me - my dreams and wants, my pain and my hurts. He wants me to let him in so he can know me. He IS my Father. He wants to be my friend as well.
Instead of being rocked so hard that I hit the bottom, he wants me to go to the bottom, well actually the top - the top of the hill, the foot of the cross. He wants me to go to him, not to worry and become anxious. I add nothing to my life by worrying and being anxious.
Well, maybe it takes a little jolt that rocks my world in order to remember who my rock is - God, the Father. The God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. The God who put the world into motion. The God who named all the stars. The Alpha and the Omega - the Beginning and the End. The God who was, who is, and who is to come. The God who was the same yesterday and today. The God who is not surprised or anxious by anything going on. The God who waits for me to come to him, to accept his love, grace, and forgiveness.
The road is treacherous. I am easily frustrated and shaken. I look down way more than I look up. I need God. I need Him to lead me, to carry me, to change me, to comfort me. I need to go back to the one who loves me.
No comments:
Post a Comment