exhausted

I am exhausted. 

Roundabout Geek is exhausted. 

What we don't understand is how Joshua isn't exhausted. After all, he was up the same 3 1/2 hours we were and yet he is up and ready to go this morning.  Did I mention that he only had 5 hours of sleep before he was wide awake for 3 1/2 hours?

We did what Dr. B told us to do...we put him in his room, in his bed.  He has to SEE us in order to actually fall asleep.  So, Roundabout Geek grabbed his laptop and worked just outside the room...enough that if Joshua lifted his head, he would see him.  He was finally asleep sometime between 9:30 and 10:00.

And he did well, until 2:47am when he woke up and came out of the room screaming.  I found him by the futon, screaming.  I picked him up and took him back into his room and his bed, all the while screaming.  Roundabout Geek came to rescue me a few minutes later and tried to stay with him...until around 3:30 at which point I took over.  I laid on the floor by his bed for another hour until I realized he was wide awake and would not be going to sleep, so I left his room.  At this point the battle of wills started.  I brought Quarterback into our room so he could go back to sleep and Roundabout Geek "fought" with Joshua.  After a while, he came to our room while Joshua remained quiet in his room.  A few minutes later, we heard a door open.  Roundabout Geek went to check on him and discovered that he had opened Princess N's door and crawled into bed with her...little booger!

So, RG took him out of Princess N's room and back into his room...let the screaming resume!  He and I struggled with Joshua over this for about 45 more minutes.  He came out of his room a couple of times. Once, RG checked on him and he had a dirty diaper - he changed it and put him back in bed.  After that, RG just got up (it was 5:30 by now and he would be getting up anyway).  While he was showering, I went and checked on Joshua and found him lingering in the hallway.  I pointed to his room and to his bed. He got in and that was the last I heard from him.  RG checked on him before he left for work and reported that he was asleep.

The next thing I know is it is 7:50 and the kids and I are all still sleeping.  Drove them to school again today!

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I knew there would be an adjustment to him coming home - for all of us.  Princess N and Quarterback have done so well.  QB was even excited to have Joshua in his room with him.  He has been looking forward to this for almost three weeks now.

I knew there would be some wills tested.

I knew it would not be easy.

I did not know how difficult, how long, or how tested my will would be.  Every night I go to bed optimistically thinking that this night he will sleep through the night.  Every night I pray that he will sleep soundly until the morning.  And so far, this has not happened.  RG and I are exhausted.  Neither of us have slept a full night since before the earthquake.   And the screaming makes it harder.

Our tempers and patience are tested.  Our will is tested.  Our perseverence is tested.  Our stamina is tested.  We are just tested beyond a point that we never thought possible.

Joshua never had problems sleeping through the night before.  Granted we were in Haiti and he hadn't endured an earthquake and all that transpired after that.  Still, though, we didn't realize how difficult this part would be.

We will persevere.  We will stand firm.  We will hold our ground.

We will be patient with him.  We will keep our tempers in check. We will reassure him.  We will love him.  We will keep going on this journey.  We will go up and down with this new roller coaster, just as we did the last two and a half years.

We will cry and scream and fight and rejoice and cheer and applaud and hope and persevere.  We will ride this roller coaster too.  Up and down, up and down.  We will enjoy each and every moment of the great times and remind ourselves of just how far we've come in the not-so-great times.

Regardless of the struggles and challenges of having a two year old again...a two year old who doesn't speak English, is as stubborn as his mom and dad, and who doesn't think sleep is necessary...we will enjoy him.  He is, after all, truly a gift from God.  God saw us through the frustrations, sleepless nights, hopelessness, helplessness, and waiting that defined the last two and half years of our lives with Joshua.  He will get us through these frustrations, sleepless nights, hopelessness, and helplessness too.

And in the times of stillness, when Joshua is quiet and maybe sleeping and we are just waiting to see what happens, I will pray. I will pray that God wil calm my nerves and remove the frustration that begins to boil inside of me after three hours of being awake and trying to get him to sleep.  I will pray that God will give me the strength to put him down just one more time and listen to his screams.  I will pray that God will never let me forget what it took for Joshua to be here.  I will pray that God would continue to show me how to love Joshua the way He loves him.  I will praise him for bringing Joshua to us.  I will praise him for Princess N and QB and how much they love every minute with their little brother.  I will praise him for RG staying up with me and yet going to work the next morning.  I will praise him for who He is and all that He has done, for He has done so much.

And in those moments of frustration when I suddenly hear a little voice, in his very best English, say to me, "I love you Momma", I will remember that it isn't about me.  It's about a little boy who grew in our hearts and by the grace of God, we get him here.

Always trusting.  Always praying.  Always praising.  Always hoping.  Always loving.  Always.